What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever.

I find myself talking about my mission A LOT. Whenever someone at church asks the class to share a powerful spiritual experience, my mind automatically searches in my "mission files" for an experience. Of course my mind does that, for 18 months I had nothing else to worry about than to bring others closer to Jesus Christ and by doing so, I was blessed with incredible spiritual experiences. It was a time that I consecrated to the Lord and in turn He blessed me with His spirit and strengthened my testimony of His and Christ's divinity through the experiences I had.

It has been a two and a half years since I returned home from my mission, and this passage in the Book of Mormon contains a piercing question all returned missionaries and ALL followers of Christ should ask themselves: "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?" Alma 5:26

I will use a talk given by Elder Holland in 2012 mixed with my own thoughts and feelings to express how I feel about this piercing question: "Can ye feel so now?"

Elder Holland tells the story of when Peter and 6 of the apostles went back to being fishermen only a few days after Christ's death. How often do we, like Peter, think in this way? ("Here I ask your indulgence as I take some non scriptural liberty in my portrayal of this exchange."-E Holland)

“Brethren, it has been a glorious three years. None of us could have imagined such a few short months ago the miracles we have seen and the divinity we have enjoyed. We have talked with, prayed with, and labored with the very Son of God Himself. We have walked with Him and wept with Him, and on the night of that horrible ending, no one wept more bitterly than I. But that is over. He has finished His work, and He has risen from the tomb. He has worked out His salvation and ours. So you ask, ‘What do we do now?’ I don’t know more to tell you than to return to your former life, rejoicing. I intend to ‘go a fishing.’"

How disappointed must Christ have been when He saw His apostles fishing fish rather than fishing men, as He had taught them? How heart broken must He have been to ask "did not my life and my love touch your hearts more deeply than this?” What strikes me most from this account is how quick the very men who walked with the Savior were to go back to their former lives! It saddens me because I too have been quick to return to my 'former life' many times! Even when God has allowed me to witness incredible miracles!

When I say "return to my former life" I mean not praying every morning and every night, not reading the scriptures often, not preparing to have a meaningful sacrament meeting, not preparing for the lesson I have to teach the 8 year-olds in my ward (church group) every Sunday, not attending the temple often and so many other things I am not doing. These are not sins! But they are choices I make that make me return to my former life. I'll go back to the question above, if the Lord has changed my heart, if I have witnessed many miracles, if I have felt to sing praises to my God, do I still feel that in my life? When I am asked to share a powerful spiritual experience at church, can I reflect on an experience that happened a week ago rather than 3 or 4 years ago on my mission? What am I doing to feel so now and to feel so forever?

My motivation to pray, attend church, read scriptures, attend the temple, serve others, etc. is found in the following explanation Christ gave to Peter after He asked him why he had gone back to his former life as a fisherman. ("Here again I acknowledge my non scriptural elaboration." E Holland) Jesus might've said something like “Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world." -Elder Holland

This is why I and anyone who has felt the love of God can't go back! "We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before." -E Holland

To conclude I'll share this invitation from Elder Holland: "The call is to come back, to stay true, to love God, and to lend a hand. I include in that call to fixed faithfulness every returned missionary who ever stood in a baptismal font and with arm to the square said, “Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ.” That commission was to have changed your convert forever, but it was surely supposed to have changed you forever as well."

I am deeply grateful for my 18 month LDS mission. My heart has been changed because of what I experienced during that time in my life. Because of that experience, I can't go back to my old life rejoicing, I have to do all I can to be Christ's disciple now and forever! I have to do all I can and BE all I can be to keep His love, His spirit and His influence in my life forever.

Christ lives! "Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives." He is the Son of the Living God! He is God's gift to mankind! I know that God lives and that He loves His children. He knows and loves His disciples. He illuminates our lives with His love and His gospel. I know and testify that this is true. And I share it with you in the name of Christ, Amen.


References:

October 2012 Conference, The First Great Commandment, Jeffrey R. Holland https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

I know that my Redeemer lives, Hymn 136 https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/i-know-that-my-redeemer-lives?lang=eng

Alma 5, The Book of Mormon https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.53

https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng