What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever.

I find myself talking about my mission A LOT. Whenever someone at church asks the class to share a powerful spiritual experience, my mind automatically searches in my "mission files" for an experience. Of course my mind does that, for 18 months I had nothing else to worry about than to bring others closer to Jesus Christ and by doing so, I was blessed with incredible spiritual experiences. It was a time that I consecrated to the Lord and in turn He blessed me with His spirit and strengthened my testimony of His and Christ's divinity through the experiences I had.

It has been a two and a half years since I returned home from my mission, and this passage in the Book of Mormon contains a piercing question all returned missionaries and ALL followers of Christ should ask themselves: "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?" Alma 5:26

I will use a talk given by Elder Holland in 2012 mixed with my own thoughts and feelings to express how I feel about this piercing question: "Can ye feel so now?"

Elder Holland tells the story of when Peter and 6 of the apostles went back to being fishermen only a few days after Christ's death. How often do we, like Peter, think in this way? ("Here I ask your indulgence as I take some non scriptural liberty in my portrayal of this exchange."-E Holland)

“Brethren, it has been a glorious three years. None of us could have imagined such a few short months ago the miracles we have seen and the divinity we have enjoyed. We have talked with, prayed with, and labored with the very Son of God Himself. We have walked with Him and wept with Him, and on the night of that horrible ending, no one wept more bitterly than I. But that is over. He has finished His work, and He has risen from the tomb. He has worked out His salvation and ours. So you ask, ‘What do we do now?’ I don’t know more to tell you than to return to your former life, rejoicing. I intend to ‘go a fishing.’"

How disappointed must Christ have been when He saw His apostles fishing fish rather than fishing men, as He had taught them? How heart broken must He have been to ask "did not my life and my love touch your hearts more deeply than this?” What strikes me most from this account is how quick the very men who walked with the Savior were to go back to their former lives! It saddens me because I too have been quick to return to my 'former life' many times! Even when God has allowed me to witness incredible miracles!

When I say "return to my former life" I mean not praying every morning and every night, not reading the scriptures often, not preparing to have a meaningful sacrament meeting, not preparing for the lesson I have to teach the 8 year-olds in my ward (church group) every Sunday, not attending the temple often and so many other things I am not doing. These are not sins! But they are choices I make that make me return to my former life. I'll go back to the question above, if the Lord has changed my heart, if I have witnessed many miracles, if I have felt to sing praises to my God, do I still feel that in my life? When I am asked to share a powerful spiritual experience at church, can I reflect on an experience that happened a week ago rather than 3 or 4 years ago on my mission? What am I doing to feel so now and to feel so forever?

My motivation to pray, attend church, read scriptures, attend the temple, serve others, etc. is found in the following explanation Christ gave to Peter after He asked him why he had gone back to his former life as a fisherman. ("Here again I acknowledge my non scriptural elaboration." E Holland) Jesus might've said something like “Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world." -Elder Holland

This is why I and anyone who has felt the love of God can't go back! "We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before." -E Holland

To conclude I'll share this invitation from Elder Holland: "The call is to come back, to stay true, to love God, and to lend a hand. I include in that call to fixed faithfulness every returned missionary who ever stood in a baptismal font and with arm to the square said, “Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ.” That commission was to have changed your convert forever, but it was surely supposed to have changed you forever as well."

I am deeply grateful for my 18 month LDS mission. My heart has been changed because of what I experienced during that time in my life. Because of that experience, I can't go back to my old life rejoicing, I have to do all I can to be Christ's disciple now and forever! I have to do all I can and BE all I can be to keep His love, His spirit and His influence in my life forever.

Christ lives! "Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives." He is the Son of the Living God! He is God's gift to mankind! I know that God lives and that He loves His children. He knows and loves His disciples. He illuminates our lives with His love and His gospel. I know and testify that this is true. And I share it with you in the name of Christ, Amen.


References:

October 2012 Conference, The First Great Commandment, Jeffrey R. Holland https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

I know that my Redeemer lives, Hymn 136 https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/i-know-that-my-redeemer-lives?lang=eng

Alma 5, The Book of Mormon https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.53

https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng

Abide with me

This morning I woke up and felt very anxious for the day I had ahead of me. The first thing I did was try a breathing exercise from a trusty app on my phone, then I proceeded to pray, and lastly I turned on a broadcast that was given last week for the women of my church. Through all these attempts I felt peace here and there, it would come and go like waves.

As I kept getting ready to go to school, I felt very anxious again, then I stopped what I was doing and heard a voice in my head say very clearly: Go to the temple. In that moment I threw a skirt and a sweater on a headed to the temple. To learn more about what temples are, please visit this website: https://www.lds.org/topics/temples?lang=eng&old=true

Today I understood what President Monson meant when he said: "Temples are more than stone and mortar. They are filled with faith and fasting. They are built of trials and testimonies. They are sanctified by sacrifice and service." Today I felt like I was in the house of God. As soon as I stepped into the temple, my entire being was filled with peace, the peace that had come and gone in waves just a few minutes ago. Later on as I sat in the celestial room, a room that symbolizes the celestial kingdom of God, where God and Christ live, I was washed over by even more peace, the very peace my loving Savior promised His apostles when He was leaving them to return to His Father. The promise Christ gave his apostles was fulfilled in my life today, I wasn't afraid anymore, my heart wasn't troubled anymore. I testify that this promise is real! I testify that our Savior did leave us peace when He had to return to His Father. I love Him for saying: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Today, the temple was the place where I felt the greatest peace I have felt in my entire life. Today, I gained a rock solid testimony that temples truly are the house of God. This is where we can worship Him, but most importantly, this is where we can come to be close to Him.

As I was feeling this incredible peace, all I could think of was, "please don't leave". Then I plead, "Savior, Abide with me." To Abide is much more than to say "stay with me", to say "Abide with me" means to say "stay with me FOREVER". Then I thought about my plea, how could the Savior not abide with me? How could He forget about me? I am literally engraved in the palms of His hands. He will not fail me nor forsake me, EVER. (Deuteronomy 31:6) I trust in His promises. It is hard for me to remember this when my mind is racing a million miles an hour, however, when I do remember, I can feel peace.

I am very grateful for the way the Spirit communicates with me, it is usually a sure, loving and clear voice in my head. Today, in the temple, the Spirit said: "Trust in the being who Created you." And that is what I will do. I will trust in God, in my loving Father in Heaven. I will trust in the God who I know and who I love. I will trust in His promises and I will trust in His Son, My Redeemer.

I testify with all the strength in my soul, with every fiber of my being that Jesus of Nazareth lives! That He lived and died so that He could save us from sin and from feeling alone in any trial we might face. I testify that temples truly are the house of God, they are sacred, they provide the peace promised by Christ. I love my God and I love my Savior. They live!

I share these things with all of you in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin.

What is sin? To commit sin is to willfully disobey God's commandments or to fail to act righteously despite a knowledge of the truth.

We are all sinners. I am a sinner. Lately I have been a slacker. I have not read my scriptures in months and I put in a half effort on the nights I choose to pray. I have sinned.

In December I had an experience that required my entire faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My husband was sick, we were in a different country and all I wanted to come home to the U.S. in safety. I prayed with all the energy of my soul and had to trust that my faith in the Savior of the world was enough. I had a prayer going in my heart for the 48 hours that it took to get us back home. Then, the following scripture was manifested in my own life: " Thus we see how quick the children of men forget the Lord their God, yes, how quick to do iniquity, and to be led away by the evil one." Alma 46:8. As soon as we got home safely, I didn't even kneel to pray and thank my God for bringing us safely home.

I wasn't committing a terrible sin. I wasn't hurting anyone by not being grateful and by not praying. But I sure was not being grateful and that is enough to sadden my soul and I know that is enough to sadden my Father in Heaven. I feel like I have just been going through the motions for the last month. Praying and going to church just to go. No real intent behind either action. I have not felt the burning joy that I usually feel inside of me no matter how tough life gets. I miss that fire, I miss the Holy Ghost burning in my chest all day every day. He hasn't left me, He is still with me and guides me, but that is just not enough for me. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said: "After an encounter with the Living Son of the Living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before." That is why this is not enough for me anymore.

I chose to read my scriptures today. I chose to read a prayer offered by Nephi, a Book of Mormon prophet. How I wish I could speak to God with such beautiful language.

2 Nephi chapter 4 is the account of Nephi praying fervently to God. Nephi says: "My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh." Verse 20 & 21

This is how I feel about God, He has been my rock, He has been my source of strength, He has filled my life and my soul with His love.

Nephi goes on to say: "O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?" Verse 27

I feel like lately I have allowed my school and my job to get in the way, I have used them as an excuse to slacken my strength. I feel like I am allowing myself to forget how incredible God has been to me. I am allowing myself to forget that with God I can do all things, and without Him I can do NOTHING. I am allowing myself to forget about my very real and powerful encounters with my Savior Jesus Christ.

Then Nephi continues his prayer and exclaims something wonderful: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." Verse 28

This struck me. This reminded me that I can have the burning love of God in my heart again, I can feel the happiness I have felt so many times before, I can have the burning fire of the spirit like an emblem in my heart every single day if I choose to stay close to my God and my Savior.

Christ's invitation is eternal: "Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me." 3 Nephi 9:14

I am grateful for to Atonement of Jesus Christ, not only does it promise me Eternal Life, but it promises me happiness, peace and forgiveness in this life. I am grateful for His Atoning sacrifice, for it gives me purpose and it motivates me to be better. I am grateful for forgiveness, for it brings me closer to my God.

I stand with Nephi and exclaim as He did: "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh... I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen."

I testify that He lives. And I testify that we will never stand stronger than when we stand with God and Jesus Christ in our hearts.

I testify of this in the name of my loving Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

The greatest gift

My most prized possession and grandest gift is my testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ. As I thought of what I could gift special people in my life, I thought of sharing my testimony with those whom I love. This time of year is special because we put a special emphasis on the birth of Him who came into the world to save me and you.

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

I know that Christ came! I know that a little baby named Jesus came into this world to a loving mother named Mary and I know that He was born to grant me and you eternal life. His birth means to me that God loved me enough to send His son to live a perfect life and to give me a perfect example to follow.

“For God so loved [me and you], that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

I know that Jesus is the Christ, I know that “..there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through he name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.” (Mosiah 3:17)

This knowledge has helped me understand who the Savior is in relation to me. These scriptures have allowed me to understand why He came into this world and why I should follow Him. I would like to now share why I love Him and why I follow Him. “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7:11-12)

It wasn’t until I was a 19-year-old missionary, sitting in front of a broken-hearted mother, crying for her wayward son that I internalized and understood that Jesus Christ came into this world to mend her heart. He lived and He died to heal this precious daughter of God. Then I knew that Jesus Christ came into the world to heal my heart, to calm my storms, to carry me when I physically and emotionally couldn’t anymore.

Jesus the Christ came into this world to save me and to save you.

I love Christ because He first loved me. I love Him because I know who He is, I know what He did for me and I know that with Him in my life I can do all things because He is the source of my strength. I testify with all the strength of my soul that Christ came into this world and atoned for the sins of all the children of God. I know that He rose the third day on a beautiful spring morning giving hope to the entire human race that death is not the end. I further testify that “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” (PMG) I have experienced it.

“He lives! All glory to his name! He lives, my Savior still the same. Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives: ‘I know that my Redeemer lives!’” (Hymn 136)

He is my greatest gift, He is my anchor, He is my Savior. He lives.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.